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AllSimpson.com is the
unofficial fanlisting for the
beautiful and talented actress
Jessica Simpson. We provide the
biography, discography, latest news,
pictures, and much more. I hope you
enjoy your stay, and come back soon! |
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:: September 2005 :: |
| 06
Sept
2005 -
Brisbane Courier
Mail |
| Keeping Abreast
Of Jessica's Talent |
SNAP quiz. Who said
this about Jessica Simpson?
"Jessica never tries to be sexy . . . She just is
sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in
a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's!
You can't cover those suckers up!"
And this. "Her chest is ahead of her by about two or
three feet. It gets there before she does."
I'll give you a clue. The answer ends in a ewwwwwww!
I know what you're thinking. Maybe her husband Nick.
Sure, it's a very tacky thing to say about your
wife, but he does seem to be a fairly tacky husband.
But you would be wrong.
It's her dad, Joe Simpson, the former church leader
who this week has taken his foot out of his mouth
long enough to step forward in defence of his
daughter, who has come under attack for the video of
her cover of These Boots Are Made For Walking, which
is being used as a trailer to the upcoming film, The
Dukes of Hazzard.
If you haven't seen the trailer, picture a porn film
but with less plot. And a porn film usually has
better music.
It is a song in which nobody seems to be singing,
including Willie Nelson, who can be seen silently
strumming his guitar with a startled look on his
face. Willie moves his lips at one stage, apparently
chipping in with the chorus, but I rather suspect
the words "help me" are actually what he's saying.
In the video, we see Simpson in two scenes. In one,
she's a waitress walking around in her Daisy Dukes
cut-off shorts and cowboy boots and starting a bar
fight.
In the other scene, she's washing a car, or to be
accurate to fans of The Dukes of Hazzard, she's
washing THE car, while wearing a bikini that would
have to be stretched before the word "skimpy" could
be used in the right context.
At least she would be washing the car, if she wasn't
soaping herself up so that she's very, very wet and
very, very clean.
It is bad, in so many ways. Aside from taking tacky
to new heights, it also shows her opening the door
to the General Lee – a car WHERE THE DOORS ARE
ALWAYS WELDED SHUT.
Now let me be clear. I've got nothing against
Jessica, or her double Ds. And I feel for the girl,
who has been a victim of discrimination since her
early teen years when, she says, her church group
used to get unreasonably upset just because she
would turn up to church in tight shorts and a bikini
top.
"I had doors slammed in my face as a 14-year-old
because my boobs were too big," Jessica told one
reporter recently. (This from the girl who also this
week said "I'm not anorexic, I'm from Texas!"). My
heart goes out to her, even while I try to get my
head around the physics.
While I'm not about to head off to Blokesworld Expo
this month, which features bikini bull riding and
the lingerie pillow fighting championships, I'm as
pro-breast as the next fellow. I think of breasts as
being like a special-edition Swiss Army knife.
Undeniably functional, and yet still quite appealing
to the eye.
Cartoonist Bill Leak, who has turned novice
novelist, perhaps best sums up the appeal of the
breast in his debut novel Heart Cancer, which has
just been released. There's a scene where two Aussie
lads are at the footy, contemplating the superior
kicking skills of the then Sydney full-forward
Plugger Locket.
"If he had tits on his back, I'd marry him,"
observes one to the other. That is probably more a
sentence that sums up the appeal of football but
it's such a good line I'm going to borrow it anyway.
But despite my willingness to embrace the bosom, I
find myself in league with the conservative American
Christian group, The Resistance, which has led the
protests in America against the video which they
have, not unreasonably, labelled as "slutty".
While scantily clad women and sexual exploitation
are about as rare in music videos as head lice are
in a childcare centre, this video has got The
Resistance particularly hot under the colour.
Given Joe Simpson, the bloke with the keen eye for
his daughter's cleavage, is a Baptist pastor, they
say they were hoping for a video more about the
boots and less about the bust and bum.
"It's sad to see her whore herself out like this,"
Resistance spokesman John Conner says. "She's a
singing stripper."
While I can't defend the video, I do think Conner is
taking his criticism a little too far. There's no
evidence in the video in question that Jessica
Simpson is singing.
Does it matter that a movie that Rolling Stone
magazine has given an unprecedented zero stars is
promoted by a video which wouldn't look out of place
at a buck's party?
Probably not. After all, nobody is making us watch
it. But perhaps Jessica should stop listening to her
daddy and listen to one of her contemporaries,
Hillary Duff, who this week spoke about Jessica
Simpson's willingness to promote herself by
promoting her self.
"I definitely do not think taking your clothes off
or going out and getting wasted every night is a
sign of maturity," Duff says. "I do not want to look
back years from now and go: 'Ugh, that's so
embarrassing'."
Perhaps when Jessica Simpson's career suffers the
demise it so clearly deserves, we should remember
Duff's advice and send her off with an obituary
complete with an Aussie flavour. "Ugh. Boots."
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Copyright 2005. All rights reserved. |
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